Sunday, January 28, 2018

In the grand scheme of things.

I always use the argument that a body is like a car when a friend complains about needing to eat better, exercise, or just do general health things. I actually know very little about cars. But in my limited understanding. If you don’t fill up your tank with gas, your car is probably going to go nowhere.

If you don’t check them tires. Those tires are not going to take you anywhere. I can sit here all day and bore you with my small concept of cars. But here’s the deal. Without fuel, your body won’t do. And without proper maintenance. Your stamina will lessen and you will probably be exhausted. Exhaustion does not lead to well being.

That’s the bottom line for me right now. Am I well enough to keep going OR am I well enough to continue recovering. At work Saturday I begged my supervisor to let me stay and work on a different area of production. She tried, but followed her gut and took me two supervisors above her.

If you feel sick, go home.

I have a hard time accepting rest. I also have a hard time keeping myself active enough. But there’s a sweet spot between being so brain active, body active, and rest. It’s a different balance for all of us. But you can’t take you body to a mechanic for the magic formula for sudden breaks or the fuel efficiency you need.

Hey but the argument still stands. In the same way we take care of our possessions we must take care of our body. Maybe take care of ourselves more than said posessions. That’s the bottom line.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

When life throws you lemons

It’s okay not to catch them all.(Okay, that was a good start. I’m done now…I wish.)

It’s okay if you don’t have the right answer. It’s okay to want things you can enjoy. It’s okay to sit down if you’re tired. It’s okay to eat if you’re hungry. It’s okay to hurt.

Too many times we want to make lemonade out of lemons. When maybe the lemons weren’t the subject of the experiment. It was us, and our newfound knowledge to not catch the lemon and let it fall on the floor.

Often times I struggle with the fear that I will never be able to meet all the expectations others have of me. Sometimes I struggle a lot with insecurity, feeling that people only root for me because they expect me to be a certain type of character. This insecurity sits on the left side of my heart, barely piercing my lungs. It’s a fear of not being accepted because I couldn’t be what an individual or society wants me to be.

No one can be perfect and catch everything. I mean you can die trying. But it won’t ever be worth it. Learning to acknowledge that fact is paramount for me to move forward.

Though right now it feels like there are so many obstacles and they are coming right after another. Well, it doesn’t mean that I have to fight every single one every single time. I don’t know what it means otherwise, but that’s okay.

It’s going to be okay.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Dreaming a dream

I once had hope of having a prince charming. I wanted to say that I lost that hope after the stress became so overpowering in my life, but it's not true. Recent development uncovered the first type of panic attacks I had as a child under five years old.

At nine the stress was so rampant that I dreamed of playing a slot machine. Of course, in my dream I won, but the prize was not worth the game. I won three devils in the roll. It was scary for a child who didn't believe in God but had every notion that the devil existed along with evil.

Through it all, the first dreams appeared of a prince charming. My type of prince charming, none of that silly Disney stuff where the prince never went after the girl. Or when he was so silly and made poor choices. I had such an idealistic image of a prince.

My type of prince always held my hand when I needed it the most. It was a strange type of savior though similar to that knight in shining armor who waged through wars for his beloved. And toward the end of my childhood I stopped waiting for a hero. Unlike that song from Bonnie Tyler, I stopped waiting for a hero.

In a life where stress so overpowered my activities. I had one battle to endure everyday against myself. A battle that carried with me into sleep. And little bit little I stopped sleeping normally. Afraid and cautious of dreams turning into reality. The dreams of my prince charming slowly stopped.

The idea someone who would be there to hold my hands when I was scared. To look into my eyes to ask what troubled me. Someone to just understand me. That idea of love disappeared.

I've written about love a lot and still do. Maybe that's why I started dreaming about my prince again. Because deep down through all these experiences this past year, I finally know that my prince is nothing but a dream. Any man that can come close to him, is not going to be perfect. I'm perfectly fine with all that, because sleep becomes more appealing now.