Monday, May 29, 2017

A new study

Sunday after lunch I lay in bed to do something. Probably to play my secret/guilty pleasure of a game titled Politicats. It's addictive and one day I'm going to unlock all the levels and going to win first place in a tournament. But for now I'm good with third place in a tournament and not unlocking all the levels.

At some point or another I took a nap. A six hour nap, which technically isn't a nap. But I used take long naps after church on Sundays in most of March and April. Naps after church are my thing. It's like a hard reset button. Instead of just restarting it's like turning off and taking out the batteries before starting up again.

It's ten o'clock in the evening. I played some more of my game and in between bursts of gameplay I turned to Youtube. I really wanted to watch a movie, but I wasn't feeling emotionally drawn to any of the characters readily available. So I thought carefully about the coming Pentecost Vigil occurring next weekend at my church. And my independent Biblical studies seem to go back to Acts and Romans lately. Particularly Romans, and anything related to the Apostle Paul. So Youtube helped me out and I found some great lectures, or talks from the Lanier Theological Library in Houston.

I noticed that there's a lot of people in the Youtube comments who have a lot to say about everything. But one thing I noticed is that though knowledge is freely available on the Internet, and further, in private libraries such as the Lanier Theological Library, I have yet to take advantage of that. I was reminded of the days where I poured over Wikipedia Articles over and over making a timeline of the dawn of humanity.

At that time, I wondered and searched for the earliest civilizations. I pin pointed the time frames from Neanderthals to the early Sumerians. Hoping, searching for an inclination that there was a God or a common theme in our human sense and yearning for religion. Though primitive a study, my findings led me to a woman god who's purpose was to create that cycle of life through birth. But then that led to the two faced woman god who could not only birth life but death (as seen through the birth of stillborn children).

Satisfied that I found a sort of answer I stopped searching at that moment. But yesterday that thirst for knowledge asked for a drink again. I can't discredit the arguments of people on the Internet as all of them being childish with no sense of what they're talking about. Because NT Wright, a New Testament Scholar said something very interesting in one of his lectures/talk and, I PARAPHRASE, the thing is that though not everyone is a theologian; some people have pieces of wisdom that the priest or theologian needs to hear.

Will I have to revive my prehistoric study of religions via more credible sources than Wikipedia? Maybe. There's something that I'm looking for and won't know until I find it. But, it's going to be great. I know that it will be.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Deception is the lost art of war

I haven’t finished reading The Art of War. Okay, I only skimmed it like twenty times. But never fully read it. But today I really understood one thing: deception. Deception, as defined by searching Google is a trick or scheme used to get what you want. Deception occurs when you deceive.

If anything, I struggle a lot when not to employ deception. There’s this societal rule that states that when asked “How are you?” one should always reply with something positive. “I’m good.” “I’m great.” “I’m fine.” There usually isn’t much room for a replies that state something like, “I’m not doing good at all. In fact, I feel like if you make any sudden movements I’m going to have a heart attack. Please, don’t even look at me. I might just rattle straight into this wall.”

Even among friends, sometimes there is a limit to all the weary and dreary talk. Sometimes some people just don’t want to hang around with that negativity. They feel immobile to always hearing the same talk. And yes, constant negativity can be draining.

But then. If there is no space to be negative in. If there are no friendships that allow for the discussion of these feelings. What do we really have left?

Deception. Deception is that smile you give to people before you turn around and hide in your sacred place. Deception is the 5-hour energy drink, the shot of espresso, the caffeine fix in the a cup of coffee. Deception is the beer, the wine, the shots of tequila, the salt rim of a margarita. Caffeine, alcohol, sex, money, POWER.

None of those mirrors will get to the true reflection of what is inside of someone. They’re merely the deception, the cover-ups and symptoms to the underlying disease: we can’t be ourselves even to ourselves. An individual can’t face himself or herself. And in turn as individuals, we can’t coexist with other individuals.

I just want to be myself. At the rate things are going and judging by the amount of things I want to accomplish--I can’t be myself. I can only deceive.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Sometimes I remember the kind of person I used to be

I can’t stress this enough: people change. I’ve certainly changed for the better, but sometimes I catch an odd glimpse of what I used to be like in the mirror. For example, today at work I walked into the kitchen and looked over at a cook and blurted:

“My food better be hot.”

Or else.

I barely remember the last time I used the implied Or else with anyone. But that wasn’t the only implied sentence in my apron. I also had the:

Did you expect me to teach you how to do your job?

Or the infamous line, which I reserved for special occasions:

I understand you did XYZ and ABC happened. But what were you supposed to?

Throughout my shift today I developed a new one. It’s one that I don’t think I’ll ever use again, because I don’t like the kind of person I used to be. The newest look:

I’m not here to be on your tail so that you do your job.

I wish work would have gone as smooth as I was told it would be. You know, the schedule read one thing, but life dictated differently. Yet, I take so much pride in the work I do. I really enjoy working in the food and beverage sector for now. I really enjoy seeing the guests enjoy their meal to the fullest.

I do enjoy running back and forth in between my small kitchen and the main kitchen to exchange entrees or bring missing desserts or to go that extra mile for another bottle of red wine when only one person would drink from it. It’s my job, and I do it well. Nothing but a smile and best for the guests. That’s what it takes to be a great employee.

And because I hold high expectations for myself. I’ve held high expectations for those around me. I just have to find a way to hold those expectations without being a total jerk.