Saturday, January 20, 2018

Dreaming a dream

I once had hope of having a prince charming. I wanted to say that I lost that hope after the stress became so overpowering in my life, but it's not true. Recent development uncovered the first type of panic attacks I had as a child under five years old.

At nine the stress was so rampant that I dreamed of playing a slot machine. Of course, in my dream I won, but the prize was not worth the game. I won three devils in the roll. It was scary for a child who didn't believe in God but had every notion that the devil existed along with evil.

Through it all, the first dreams appeared of a prince charming. My type of prince charming, none of that silly Disney stuff where the prince never went after the girl. Or when he was so silly and made poor choices. I had such an idealistic image of a prince.

My type of prince always held my hand when I needed it the most. It was a strange type of savior though similar to that knight in shining armor who waged through wars for his beloved. And toward the end of my childhood I stopped waiting for a hero. Unlike that song from Bonnie Tyler, I stopped waiting for a hero.

In a life where stress so overpowered my activities. I had one battle to endure everyday against myself. A battle that carried with me into sleep. And little bit little I stopped sleeping normally. Afraid and cautious of dreams turning into reality. The dreams of my prince charming slowly stopped.

The idea someone who would be there to hold my hands when I was scared. To look into my eyes to ask what troubled me. Someone to just understand me. That idea of love disappeared.

I've written about love a lot and still do. Maybe that's why I started dreaming about my prince again. Because deep down through all these experiences this past year, I finally know that my prince is nothing but a dream. Any man that can come close to him, is not going to be perfect. I'm perfectly fine with all that, because sleep becomes more appealing now.

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