Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Overnight Move

Sometimes a healthy dose of surprise is okay. I seem to have perfected the art of moving at the will of God. It’s always a rough, uncomfortable, and hasty move. It could happen in 24, 48, or 36 hours. Yet, it’s a necessary move.

Moving back to my hometown is not easy. I miss a lot of people. I see things I knew were there before. I see new things that have developed. But most importantly I see the need for love and abundance.

This city is plagued with restaurants, and most people don’t cook at home. I see a need for a resurgence of home cooked meal. I see a need for family. I see a need for understanding.

I see lots of needs in the society. It makes me wonder what the difference is between this area of Texas and other areas. What is the defining characteristic that will transform our little place into an area of abundance, joy, and love.

It could all start with changing fear into respect. It could not, but I’m sure I will find out soon enough.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

I don’t know if I’m ballsy or ridiculous

I tried to meditate the other morning. I know, it’s a far fetched concept. I hadn’t officially meditated since 2009. Anyhow, I’m meditating, having a cool time. My eyes are closed and I’m just chilling with my meditation friends in my mind and then there was like this dark cloud coming into the picture. At first my friends were like, hey you wanna jet. This looks bad.

A small panic made me jump. But I shook my head. I was going to face that dark cloud. It was about time to face my nightmares. I don’t think I knew what I was getting into.

From the dark cloud a man appears. He’s tall, dark, kind of handsome. He seemed genuinely respectful except for one thing. He had a look in his eyes. The kind that I recognized as wickedness.

How long do you think you could run. The man spoke.

I laughed and launched an arrow made of God at the tip of his feet. He was entrapped in blue fire. I will run as long as I have to.

There is no use in running. Everyone has a crack in their heart, and I will latch onto that. He said as he tried to push the fire away with his finger.

I laughed. He then tried to rise up to escape the fire. But the fire followed him up. You don’t think I know that?

You don’t have the power to destroy me. He said amused.

You don’t think I know that? But you are just jealous of God. Your whole point in life is to deter us from him with your lies and false promises. My role in this world is not to destroy you. But to be free from you. In the same way you will latch onto the cracks of a heart. I will do my best to find the weakness in your chains and free people from you. Only my Lord can destroy you.

He laughed and pushed his entire body through the flames leaving behind his well appearance and showing his true body and nature. Something so horrific that I wish no one else would ever see.

I finished my meditation feeling scared and proud.

“Who in the world would ever act that way toward the Devil?” Was the first thought that came into my mind. I laughed shrugging it off. Thanking God for the wonderful day he had given me again.

Friday, February 2, 2018

Feeling Blue

I fear obstacles. Sometimes it’s a small set back like feeling extra blue for days. Sometimes it had been a broken bone. Other times it’s just swollen joints that hurt a lot. Sometimes it’s just a time crunch issue where I have too much no my plate and not enough time to sit down.

Whatever the obstacle it upsets me. I hate feeling powerless over a situation. A lot of people would say that I could be a control freak or unbending. But I’m just scared. Fear is a devious and awful feeling.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Somehow I’m not going to solve all my problems by hiding under the covers. Nor am I going to solve all my problems by working harder, smarter, longer. Sometimes all it takes is to

There are those that really love the shortened, bumper sticker phrase, “be still and know I am God.” But, I like the full version as seen in the RSV. “Be still, and know that I am God. I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth!” I know that saying God implies that God is exalted among the nations and earth. But hearing it more from God is very special to me.

In the midst of obstacles, being reminded of other things is always a great thing for me. For the time being, I just have to practice being.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

In the grand scheme of things.

I always use the argument that a body is like a car when a friend complains about needing to eat better, exercise, or just do general health things. I actually know very little about cars. But in my limited understanding. If you don’t fill up your tank with gas, your car is probably going to go nowhere.

If you don’t check them tires. Those tires are not going to take you anywhere. I can sit here all day and bore you with my small concept of cars. But here’s the deal. Without fuel, your body won’t do. And without proper maintenance. Your stamina will lessen and you will probably be exhausted. Exhaustion does not lead to well being.

That’s the bottom line for me right now. Am I well enough to keep going OR am I well enough to continue recovering. At work Saturday I begged my supervisor to let me stay and work on a different area of production. She tried, but followed her gut and took me two supervisors above her.

If you feel sick, go home.

I have a hard time accepting rest. I also have a hard time keeping myself active enough. But there’s a sweet spot between being so brain active, body active, and rest. It’s a different balance for all of us. But you can’t take you body to a mechanic for the magic formula for sudden breaks or the fuel efficiency you need.

Hey but the argument still stands. In the same way we take care of our possessions we must take care of our body. Maybe take care of ourselves more than said posessions. That’s the bottom line.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

When life throws you lemons

It’s okay not to catch them all.(Okay, that was a good start. I’m done now…I wish.)

It’s okay if you don’t have the right answer. It’s okay to want things you can enjoy. It’s okay to sit down if you’re tired. It’s okay to eat if you’re hungry. It’s okay to hurt.

Too many times we want to make lemonade out of lemons. When maybe the lemons weren’t the subject of the experiment. It was us, and our newfound knowledge to not catch the lemon and let it fall on the floor.

Often times I struggle with the fear that I will never be able to meet all the expectations others have of me. Sometimes I struggle a lot with insecurity, feeling that people only root for me because they expect me to be a certain type of character. This insecurity sits on the left side of my heart, barely piercing my lungs. It’s a fear of not being accepted because I couldn’t be what an individual or society wants me to be.

No one can be perfect and catch everything. I mean you can die trying. But it won’t ever be worth it. Learning to acknowledge that fact is paramount for me to move forward.

Though right now it feels like there are so many obstacles and they are coming right after another. Well, it doesn’t mean that I have to fight every single one every single time. I don’t know what it means otherwise, but that’s okay.

It’s going to be okay.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Dreaming a dream

I once had hope of having a prince charming. I wanted to say that I lost that hope after the stress became so overpowering in my life, but it's not true. Recent development uncovered the first type of panic attacks I had as a child under five years old.

At nine the stress was so rampant that I dreamed of playing a slot machine. Of course, in my dream I won, but the prize was not worth the game. I won three devils in the roll. It was scary for a child who didn't believe in God but had every notion that the devil existed along with evil.

Through it all, the first dreams appeared of a prince charming. My type of prince charming, none of that silly Disney stuff where the prince never went after the girl. Or when he was so silly and made poor choices. I had such an idealistic image of a prince.

My type of prince always held my hand when I needed it the most. It was a strange type of savior though similar to that knight in shining armor who waged through wars for his beloved. And toward the end of my childhood I stopped waiting for a hero. Unlike that song from Bonnie Tyler, I stopped waiting for a hero.

In a life where stress so overpowered my activities. I had one battle to endure everyday against myself. A battle that carried with me into sleep. And little bit little I stopped sleeping normally. Afraid and cautious of dreams turning into reality. The dreams of my prince charming slowly stopped.

The idea someone who would be there to hold my hands when I was scared. To look into my eyes to ask what troubled me. Someone to just understand me. That idea of love disappeared.

I've written about love a lot and still do. Maybe that's why I started dreaming about my prince again. Because deep down through all these experiences this past year, I finally know that my prince is nothing but a dream. Any man that can come close to him, is not going to be perfect. I'm perfectly fine with all that, because sleep becomes more appealing now.