Saturday, August 6, 2016

existential crisis

I can't accept who I am and thus I'm always having an existential crisis. I can't be sure what the origin of my distrust of myself and instincts came about, but it's something that's been around since I was a child.

I've always had to stop and second guess myself before doing something. Is as if I stood at a crossroads every second of my life where one path led to a safe course while the other led to unknowns.

Perhaps that statement could explain this doubtful nature of mine. The world is full of unknowns and that throws me off. Yes, that can mean I'm a control freak, or obnoxious, or paranoid at times. But, when you spend the past 21 years of your life asking yourself:

  • Sopphey, what will be a good idea to pursue?
  • Sopphey, will you be able to roll out of bed and get everyone up for school, for work: for life?
  • Sopphey, you've done all you could do for everyone else today. What will you do for yourself?

As much as I self inspect and dream and think about who I am. I'm still full of unknowns. The answers I'm looking for are not there because they're not who I am. But life is short. Sometimes it's okay to be something else, someone safe, to continue looking for yourself.

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