Friday, June 24, 2016

Ends of Things

Once upon a time I went through a "Black" phase. I’ve been told it was a bit dark, and admittedly, my outlook on life and myself was a bit bleak. But my writing certainly flourished during that time. Making me a very proud writer for the past 18 years.

However, sometimes it feels like I perpetually visit the black phase. There are days when I just sit around doing my thing wishing I could just lie down and die. Calm the alarms, I said die. Some people just want to die, some people just die, some people don’t die...die die die.

It’s always surprising to see the legacy of things. When a celebrity dies, certain worlds mourn a great loss, a great creative soul has gone. We pay so much importance to what people do, to how they behaved in public settings, and to the people they affected.

But maybe we pay attention too much? Maybe we’re too opinionated. Maybe we need to stop forcing our opinions on people. Perhaps we should all adopt the policy of informing people that we have an opinion and then if they consent to listening to it we lay it down. Like this blog, for example.

I will post on my social media that I’m writing about the ends of things. Then, my friends and family can see if they want to partake in reading the ends of things. You know the end of things aren’t so glamorous. Life is a bitch. Always being on top of the game is taxing.

Knowing when and what time and how fast the next move is coming is exhausting. Restructuring your eating, napping, walking, and sleeping schedule is just obsessive. But it’s what I need to do to not end things.

I’m an adult. I don’t escape feelings or responsibilities. I crawl through them when I have to. I find things bigger than me like my crafts for humanity project. I keep going until I can because the black phase doesn’t have full reign. There are no ends, just threads that join into the next adventure.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Crafts for Humanity

Working on the prototype plarn mat for World Wide Knit in Public Day 2016.
I had the strangest time Saturday. I crocheted my way up on this plarn mat while telling people about my plarn project. And it was just so strange to me that people look at the plarn and think "oh that'd be great for a rug outside my house." Or, "that would be great for you to make bags to sell."

I guess my introduction of "I'm making mats for the homeless to use as bedding or to cover themselves," was a bit too idealist for the general public. And maybe that should piss me off. But that just almost makes me feel so stupid. And then I get over it because all those ideas are very smart.

I'm going to teach people how to make plarn for various usages be it mats for homeless, rugs, totes, or baskets. I'm going to teach them how to crochet with plarn, because it can be a little tricky. And then we will have a happy medium between a craft for humanity and a craft for profit.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

The Quest For Perfection

I’ve been on a diet for the past 16 years. Obviously, I’ve had many failures and many accomplishments on this so called diet. But, I’ve only just reached my high school weight this year. I’ve been overweight THAT LONG and dieting is THAT HARD for me. Hey, but I do have some accomplishments. I have successfully reduced the amount of medication I take for my diabetes. I have never been so active in my life. And I cook almost, if not all, of my meals.

And that’s great, but still I strive for perfection. I am convinced, after 16 years of dieting, that the key to my success is to eat a certain level of carbohydrates. So last year, I poured over websites, books, and calorie counters to find the perfect balance of a Sopphey Approved serving of carbohydrates. Examples of this is a third cup of rice or one smaller sized corn tortilla. Ten french fries. So I count my french fries. It’s kinda nutty. But hey if I can eat 10 french fries, that’s better than zero french fries.

But now...I need a little bit more perfection. How many french fries make a Sopphey Approved serving of fat? Seven french fries. Seven french fries is still better than zero french fries. Other items on the Sopphey Approved serving of fat include: five Ritz crackers, eight almonds, 1 tbsp of Land O Lakes light butter with canola oil, 1 tsp of olive oil, 0.17 oz of rope sausage, 0.5 oz of hot cheetos… and this list is only beginning.

Why do I have to make this so complicated? I just do and it’s going to work.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

I don’t write about tragedies

It’s been around 17 hours since I heard about the tragedy that occurred in Orlando, Florida. Wait, it could be less but I distinctly remember reading a text “THE VANCE!” and putting my phone away thinking that was important. But you know, what I was doing at the time seemed important as well and I put my phone away thinking I’d respond as soon as I got home. Sometime in the morning the same friend and I talk again and he’s in a rage against the shooter. There are 50 dead and even more wounded.

And I want to say how sad it is, how emotional it is for just one person to die. 50? Heartbreak. But I’ve really come to a point in my life that I’m just as saddened for the individual responsible for this affair. As society, we’re gonna start coming out with all kinds of ill intentions towards that individual. We’re going to berate this person; we’re going to have no remorse for his soul. We’re going to bring it upon ourselves to send all our hate toward the person, the person’s relatives, the person’s race--nationality--religious affiliation. As society, we’re going to take to the horrid belief that if one drop is tarnished the whole pot is defunct.

That’s just a huge bowl of crap served in expensive and pristine shit morals.

It is times like these where we need to gel as society and comb over our mannerisms, education, and beliefs to find and nurture victims and victimizers alike. There are some truly sinister people in this world without any reprimand, yes I know that. Society knows that as well. But there’s layers and layers of culture, of behavior, of personalities that come together to build the kind of people who harm others.

All this time we’re going to spend on criticizing people’s families, of undermining their civil rights to be people can be spent healing. Can be spent opening our hearts and our values to STOP hate, to stop future violence, to band together to help each other move forward.

I’m a very decorated member of the LGBT community and a frequent flyer at LGBT friendly clubs and would be horrified beyond all belief if I were in a club and faced the similar predicaments as my rainbow family in Orlando, Florida. But how could I ever be able to face myself as a person if I spewed hate for an individual who did so much harm?

My heart goes to all the individuals of this whole wide world. I have no faith in our justice system or the judiciary system of public opinion. But I really have faith in humanity to heal each other. And that’s why I don’t write about tragedies.