Thursday, May 26, 2016

God Forgives

I'm a boy. I might have been born in the body of a FEMALE and have no intentions of having surgery to fix my OUTER APPEARANCE. But I know what I am, and I'm a guy.

Did that seem like an easy admission? It's not that easy. There is not a day that I don't wake up and look into the mirror to see if God had changed my "thinking" my "feelings" and "made me realize" that because I have the body of a girl that I am a girl. It just hasn't happened.

The face in the mirror.
I'm in denial. All my life I was told that I was a woman. That I had to wear dresses. That I had to fall in love. Create babies. And all my life I had a dark cloud on my shoulders. A curtain over my eyes that made me hate myself every time I looked myself in the mirror.

I was so angry at God for creating me. At times I still can't do away with the feeling that I'm a mistake. That I'm defected. That my existence takes up too much space. That I can't happily live life as a guy. And then I cry a bit. Then I remember that God forgives me. Because somehow God has to forgive me for creating me the way I am.

And I know I can't judge the world, because only God can do so. But I'm sad because of the opinions people I care about harbor. I'm sad that they want to tell people like me, transgender people, where to go to the bathroom. Not only does that add to the feeling of being defective. But it can mean that I'm not even human enough to have a right to use a public restroom. But I want to be human too.

I want to be me. I want God to forgive me.

10 comments:

  1. Love and hugs your way, Sopphey. If this took bravery to type out loud, extra love and hugs. You will always have my support to love yourself in your truest identity. Souls are unchangeable, so don't ever let yourself doubt your worth, no matter any uncertainty about 'outsides.' When you run into people who won't know how to handle it or to give you room to figure things out, I hope you keep looking to find the people who *will* support and embrace you. There are entire groups of writers who embrace similar issues - does it help to be able to have like-minded support, or are you most concerned about having support of those you already love? Just, don't ever feel alone. You are not. And you are wonderful -- in your discoveries, in your questions, in your doubts, in your truest self. Know you are loved!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Elissa.

      It always takes bravery to share any type of writing for me. I'm not sure if I'm most concerned with having support from those I already love. But it helps, you know? I'm a creature of habit and feel that if I change too much the people who I already associate with me may not like those changes and could just ignore me forever. It's a real fear, ya know?

      But such is life. Thank you for your comment and for being a wonderful friend.

      Delete
  2. Wow! I didn't know. If this took courage for u, good for u.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I want you to go into the bathroom or where you have a mirror.

    Look at the man you see in the reflection.

    Tell him, "I love you just for who you are. You are not a mistake or a defect. You are not in need of forgiveness for who you are. You are loved unconditionally. You are an amazing work of art. You are brave and real. You don't need anyone's permission to be you. You are WORTHY."

    I love you, Sopphey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I don't know if my bravery will last long enough, but I'm so thankful for your support.

      Delete
  4. Here's a big kiss on those adorable pink cheeks from Mama Nora. Baby you are awesome. You have a poet's soul so you feel pain deeply. Despair is your muse. All young people struggle to sort out who they are and what they stand for. And I always stand by good decent human beings, especially if they are poets.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Here's a big kiss on those adorable pink cheeks from Mama Nora. Baby you are awesome. You have a poet's soul so you feel pain deeply. Despair is your muse. All young people struggle to sort out who they are and what they stand for. And I always stand by good decent human beings, especially if they are poets.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Here's a big kiss on those adorable pink cheeks from Mama Nora. Baby you are awesome. You have a poet's soul so you feel pain deeply. Despair is your muse. All young people struggle to sort out who they are and what they stand for. And I always stand by good decent human beings, especially if they are poets.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Please delete 2 of my duplicate messages. Got confused with back button. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete