Monday, May 30, 2016

Revisiting For the Seasons

I’m going to start with disclaimers. I put together For the Seasons when I thought I was never going to talk to my inspiration, ever again. And I didn’t, for a really long time and to test my bravery I published a web version of it on my previous blog Sopphey Says.

For the Seasons cover.
Then she and I touched base again. We talked a lot at first about each other, and even went into detail about all the ugly and gritty things that hurt our relationship. Yet, The feelings we had, the memories we shared, they’re all solid. They’re older, as we are. They’re more clearer, and that’s fantastic. And lastly, they’re in a really great placethe best they’ve been in a while!

Still, it took a long while for me to tell her that I had written a whole book about us. Yeah, she knew that I had written a couple of poem here and there and I had shown them to her, but she’d never seen the whole thing. I always felt like the book marked a very troublesome time in our friendship, and even though we’re no longer dating, there’s still something there.

And finally, I showed her a link to the book. I told her that everyone who has read it loved it.

One of her first questions was, “what do people think about my character?” So I explained to her that there was no real main characters. I offered her a copy of the book, because in principle it belongs to her too. Then I sat quietly while she sped read the entire book! She loved it, and I was glad. And now she’s my number one fan! Well, she has to be.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

God Forgives

I'm a boy. I might have been born in the body of a FEMALE and have no intentions of having surgery to fix my OUTER APPEARANCE. But I know what I am, and I'm a guy.

Did that seem like an easy admission? It's not that easy. There is not a day that I don't wake up and look into the mirror to see if God had changed my "thinking" my "feelings" and "made me realize" that because I have the body of a girl that I am a girl. It just hasn't happened.

The face in the mirror.
I'm in denial. All my life I was told that I was a woman. That I had to wear dresses. That I had to fall in love. Create babies. And all my life I had a dark cloud on my shoulders. A curtain over my eyes that made me hate myself every time I looked myself in the mirror.

I was so angry at God for creating me. At times I still can't do away with the feeling that I'm a mistake. That I'm defected. That my existence takes up too much space. That I can't happily live life as a guy. And then I cry a bit. Then I remember that God forgives me. Because somehow God has to forgive me for creating me the way I am.

And I know I can't judge the world, because only God can do so. But I'm sad because of the opinions people I care about harbor. I'm sad that they want to tell people like me, transgender people, where to go to the bathroom. Not only does that add to the feeling of being defective. But it can mean that I'm not even human enough to have a right to use a public restroom. But I want to be human too.

I want to be me. I want God to forgive me.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Get Your Bags Out

It’s no secret. I can crochet upside down, backwards, forwards, through one loop, through both loops, through the front post, through the back post, in circles..and the list goes on. So a couple of years back one of my good friends sent me a link to a crochet mat that was made out of plastic bags yarn (plarn), to see if I’d give it a shot.

Homemade Plarn
Years later. Haha. I really love making plarn. It’s so easy to make and attach. It’s a bit of a challenge to crochet with it. But it’s definitely doable!

I’m going to be making the rounds in the following months to ask my local friends to recycle their bags for plarn. Then, when I get around 500 or so bags I will be able to make a mat to give to those in need. This mat can be used as a bed! I think it’s the best idea ever and it’s a great way to give back to my community.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Being Important

I'm such an impressionable person. I wouldn't say that I'm one who keeps up with appearances. But, sometimes when I visit a friend's house and they have all these matching silverware and various matching display trays for food.. I really go back home and almost want the same thing.

The I break a dish or spill my drink on the floor and I realize that an immaculate home with matching dishes and silverware is not quite my style. But I can dream.

I also sometimes dream of being important. I'd like being that person that walks into a party and has to greet everyone because they're homies. Picture the scenario with me, you hug the host who opened the door. Make your way around the room to hug 18-25 people. It's not quite the center of attention, it feels like you know someones. And those someones really cares about you.

And I do think it's important to meet a lot of people. To care about a lot of people. To treat them kindly. To be in their precious presence. And if I could be one of those people, if I could mean something to someone. If they show their friends my Facebook page and talk about all that I crochet and knit or write. Then maybe I'm someone important to them.

Maybe there's something precious about me too.

Monday, May 16, 2016

My first finished knitted project

I wouldn't call myself a knitter. I've only tried to knit every now and then. It was always really confusing. Or I would look at the project and go through the motions with the needles and not really get anywhere. It just looked weird. The needles felt strange in my hands.

My first finished knitted project.
But, I promised my friend Michelle from +The Yarnies  that I would do something for their first KAL, knit-a-long. And well here it is. I have two more projects started, don't know when I'm going to finish them. I think I'm going to marathon crochet a blanket to refresh my brain. Knitting is nifty, though, and I'm pretty excited I got this done.

I'm not super good at watching podcasts. However, The Yarnies have a new podcast. Go give it a look!

Monday, May 9, 2016

Being on the Titanic

Lately I'm using the metaphor of being on the Titanic as a way to motivate myself to finish a task. The Titanic was a very stressful and traumatic experience in history, but it works as a motivating tool. What gets to me every time is how the rescue persons did notcould notstop putting people into life boats until the very end when there was no escape from the freezing waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

Titanic Chocolate Cake
Titanic Chocolate Cake
The metaphor can be explained this situation: I had 40 minutes to bake and cool a cake. I whisked that cake together in super speed mode. I waited forever for the oven to preheat. I gently and carefully put the cake into the oven and I waited. I waited, ran around getting everything ready. I was not going to leave without that cake. And I was not sure how long it would take to bake. I'd been influenced by TV where contestants crank up the heat for cakes to bake. But, I wasn't brave enough to deviate from the instructions.

The cake fully baked two minutes before my deadline. I cooled it off in the freezer before serving it.. I made it.

But I'm still in the Titanic every day lately. The constant movement of waking up, keeping sane, working, writing, cooking, finding a way to keep things moving until the very last minute of the day until I fall asleep. Keep everything turning until the very last moment when the deadline falls. It's all very exhausting. But I can't stop, won't stop until the very end.