Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Packing Lunch

I can’t recall the name of my first pet. It was a rather big dog, white fur. He lived outside the small trailer in the corner of the lot until he died in the hot sun. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen what happens to dogs who die on the side of the road on a Texas sun. They lie motionless on the pavement, their bodies warm--growing warmer. All these sorts of bacteria grow inside them, making their bellies bloated and almost larger than their bodies. Then something really gross happens and they explode. I’m probably lying about the exploding part. And most likely my first pet didn’t lay in the grass until he exploded. But he died out there.

Things weren’t any easier inside our home, we lived in a larger trailer. Think long rectangle, with three bedrooms and two baths. One living room and one kitchen/dining area. If it was any warm outside, inside fared the same with our lack of air conditioning and poor ventilation. At one point we had a tall refrigerator, you know the likes. Top door, bottom door. Freezer, cool nonfreezer area. It was green like the pale greens of the 70s. Then it died.

We upgraded to a minifridge. White. The freezer didn’t really work. It sat on a table where the other refrigerator used to sit. Then the refrigerator worked less and less. And that died. So we downgraded to a blue ice chest. One bag of ice and some bologna and cheese. Maybe milk, not that we drank it because we drank the sodas from the ice chest. It sat in front of the table where the refrigerator used to sit. That was a mess.

Then there was a black minifridge. It um did well.

My Mom would cook large elaborate meals sometimes. Stuff like fajitas, rice, and the likes. We had an electric skillet with a lid and other cool electric grills. My favorite was the one burner electric stove. Probably 8x8in. But there was just something different about us. After we finished eating lunch one sunny summer day, we left the fajitas enclosed in a pan of sorts. And maybe one hour, two hours went by. It was a warm day like every other day.

So we were going to eat left overs. Or I was going to, adamant for some odd reason to eat left overs. Lifted the cover of the fajitas. Now, when my first pet died outside there was no shortage of flies and ants and all kinds of creatures to decompose a body. When you leave fajitas in non-tight-sealed covered container indoors. When you don’t have air conditioning. When you live in Texas and it’s the summer. When all of a sudden you’re faced with these factors and you open the lid of the fajitas…

you’re going to find one inch maggots instead of fajitas.

There was just something different about us and it happened often enough to change things. A refrigerator is my food’s best friend. I can’t pack a salad at eight in the morning to go out about my day and then eat that salad at three in the afternoon. It doesn’t work that way.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Bookstores

Barnes and Noble is a magical place. Not only can you go in to find coffee, notebook, greeting cards, and movies, music, and gift items...but you can find books.

Now, the selection of books isn't as wide and varied as Barnes & Noble dot com. But it's the small details that make the trip exciting.

From pouring over a tome of a comic encyclopedia for the one or two pictures of your favorite character to the hidden poetry section in the corner, finding the books you love in print on a bookshelf is amazing.

Listen, I collect Kindle books. But no Kindle book can give me the same secret joy of holding a brand new Brunch at Bobby's book with a soft imaginary smell of Sharpie because it's been signed by the Bobby Flay.

That was magical.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Fears

I have many. The one that's nagging recently is the fear of getting close to a person. I'm not talking about a relationship type close. I'm talking about acquaintances or friend close. Disclosing little things like where I go drinking with AND who I go drinking with. Why I'm so casual with certain people and calling them my dates.

It's frightening because I choose to associate with all types of people and explore different aspects of life. It just so happens that the people I care about in each circle isn't necessarily tolerable of the other circle.

It's a tragedy. I've tried to find people who are as social as I am in different circles but I just end up alone. Out of that loneliness if I find myself at a bar I call up my bar friends. If I'm in a crazed daze looking for a yarn inspiration I find myself with my yarn friends. It's lonely to say that I have friends for all occasions.

But it just so happens to be true.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Are you pregnant?

I’ve been overweight my whole life. I’ve gotten many different people asking me if I were pregnant and it usually pissed me off. Generally, it’s an offense for women who are not pregnant to be confused with women that are pregnant. More precisely, no one wants to be judged on their weight.

But I was sitting on the sidewalk next to the bus stop. A crochet hook in hand, going in rounds with double crochets--making a little hat.

"Are you making a hat for your baby?" An older gentleman on a wheelchair of asked. I stared at him. "Well, aren't you pregnant?"

No. I wasn't pregnant I responded. I'm making a hat for a mission trip in Reynosa, Mexico.

Okay.

In a way, I was shocked and so moved that the man thought I would be making my child a hat. Maybe in the future I will. But most importantly, this conversation made me realize: I love making things for people I care about.

Especially because I'm so blessed to know how to crochet. To be able to crochet little things and big things. To teach my learnings to others, even though I am self taught. Each hat, scarf, prayer gift I make is a blessing to make for ME. It's God's gift to me.

It's my kindness taking form with a string of faith and technique. It's beauty in warmth and prayers. I'm so thankful for my gift, and can't imagine the welcoming arms of the little soul who will wear my little hat.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Change

My life has totally been transformed and I’m very afraid of how it has changed. I’m not happy with the decisions I’ve made, mostly because the results were not what I was hoping for. I’m not happy with the decisions I have to make to fix those decisions because they are taking FOREVER to implement. But the important part is that I’m changing the decisions I make. I’m thinking things through. I’m making a plan.

So here’s a plan. I’m going to finally save up to visit some friends in upstate NY! I’m going to finish two new books this year, even if I don’t publish them they will be finished! Maybe I’ll lose another 50lbs this year, I don’t have a shortage of weight to lose so this task will be easiest.

Learning to create boundaries between my relationship with my mother at work and at home is the biggest change I’m afraid of. I love my mother. Yes, I can disagree with her and have been disagreeing with her for the past 15 years or so. But, she’s still my mom. She’s one of the people I wish could help me solve all my problems. Which she does by saying “Only do a what you can, even if it’s a little bit a time.” Or she’ll say something like, “put your mind onto other things.” I’m going to have to learn to only do a little bit to help her at work during these tough times by not going to work every day. I’m going to have put my mind onto other things by not worrying so much that I can do so much more to help my mother professionally.

And I have to do all this for my benefit. So that I can work on my plans and my dreams. Ultimately it should be worth it. I haven’t gained much by helping other people with their plans and dreams (even though they’ve made quite a success for themselves now!). Change is hard.