Tuesday, December 1, 2015

I Believed It

I have a problem with authoritative figures. Especially if they are older and I'm convinced they are wrong. Moreso if they are women. Women can be the most cutthroat in a corporate setting, or as in my family, or as I learned in a church environment.

I've replayed the sequence and it all leads to a similar instance regarding my grandmother. Before her, life revolved around the patriarch figure, her father. No one can really confirm her tales, but according to grandmother he was a Mexican soldier. He had a temper and left a permanent scar on my grandmother's head from beating her into obedience too much one day. Whoever the man she first married was, he didn't matter after he left her with my mom and and uncles.

My grandmother is a force of nature. She instilled in me a sense of fear and doubt that I believed to be true. As an indirect result, my self disappointment in never pleasing her led to a bigger disappointment in not pleasing the perfectionist who grew in me.

I was, and will never be, enough. Everything I do is wrong. No matter what day it is, whatever the weather, I am wrong. I really believed it.

So when I met with so and so, one to one, and sat her through my ideas. I explained to her the reasoning behind my thoughts, the theories I learned with my degree and experience running organizations. And she said to me, "you don't want to be in charge of any of that."

I didn't, the perfectionist understood perfectly. So that meant I didn't want to be involved. I didn't want to share my opinions. I didn't want to share my views or needs as a member of the congregation. I didn't want to let my self heal in worship. I didn't, I didn't...feel that she wanted me there at all. An obstruction to her plans, I was a nuisance to her matriarchy.

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