From My Mistakes

I haven't explained myself, but I've dissected what happened to deter me away from my church. I don't think I found any real answers, only abstract answers which I've dabbled a bit in a blog post here or there. And that's okay.

All in all I blame myself for not believing in myself and for making myself feel like a total fool for even trying to fit into a church. The shadow of self doubt follows me constantly through every decision in my life. It makes it hard to always be aware of who I am, and the gifts and blessings bestowed upon me. And that's not okay.

Yet I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. If anything, looking back at the experience NOW has made me realize that I had a lot of questions about myself. In the past two years, I've roamed around identities and circle of friends. I took out magic crayons and drew lines between myself and the way I wanted people to treat me. Drew lines between happy and unhappy professions. Circled and underlined things I'd love to do again.

And I tested the boundaries between my loneliness and what it meant to be a nonchurch going person of faith. And that sucked. But going back sucked too, because I hadn't dealt with anything--hey full circle. From my mistakes, I've learned to be thankful. I've learned that I will be unhappy if I don't stay true to myself. And I learned that sometimes life can seem cloudy, but with the passage of time, all can be answered. Even if, abstractly. And that's okay.


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