Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Word is Transgender

I did some shopping. I cut my hair. After all this. I didn't realize that even though I don't see myself as a woman, I still look like a woman to everyone else. But I’m not really a woman, biologically yes. On the inside, it’s frightening. I’m afraid of the word transgender because I don’t see myself as living as a man. See, it is really difficult to be a different in this society. Gender roles are so fundamental to the way society works that we’re kind of forced to be either or. And, frankly, life is so much easier being a woman right now. Or perhaps it’s because I’ve lived as a woman for so long that I feel that there are perks.

There are privileges that make life easier. For instance, a woman can be bought dinner and drinks, but a man isn’t afforded that level of generosity. A woman can go to any side of the store, be it the men’s clothes or lingerie (see, how I don’t even have to specify women’s lingerie?) and not be judged. Women get first right to custody, unless they do something so unbecoming of a woman.

Hey, it’s terrible that I see myself living as a woman because my life would be easier! Or am I just making reasons to justify that I’m okay with my biological body? I don’t see myself as a woman, and if no one but myself can see that...well is that going to be an issue down the road? I feel that it could or could not be, but that ultimately I don’t have to choose right now. I don’t have to choose to be addressed as a man or woman right now, because that’s just who I am.

If another person were to be in my situation, then he or she would most likely place pronoun identification sooner rather than later. And that’s great for them. Right now, I’m a man who is totally okay with *HER* biological body. And can’t really decide on the proper pronoun to save *HIS* life. But deep down, I know the right answer. It's just a matter of getting used to it.

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