I want to go home.
My pew is the third pew on the right side of the sanctuary. Everyone has their own pew. And mine is that one. I sit to the left side of the podium because I can get a really good recording of the sermon.
It's also almost perpendicular to the cross that hangs from the ceiling. And one time, a very dear person took me from my back pew and sat me on the third row. She said it was a favorable spot with a ton of blessings. And I just felt so thankful and so happy that I could sit in that row. And I could pass on all those blessings to all of my church family. And that somehow I never sat alone because the holy spirit sat next to me giving me a big tight hug as I cried my heart out during service.
Then I stopped going home. And when I returned I stopped crying because there was no holy spirit sitting next to me giving me a hug. There were fewer dear people sitting in their pews. And there was a brand new pastor standing behind the podium saying, "Miss Sopphey Vance, welcome back to your home."
But I was very lonely. And that made me angry. And then I became sad. No matter how much I love the place. No matter how much I love the people...I'm not the person that first sat in the back row. I'm not sure how I became that person for that time being. But, for sure the person I know I am is totally different. And different always clashes in a church that does things in a dignified and orderly fashion. But I want to go back, and maybe that will be a home for the person I am.