Sunday, August 2, 2015

Girl or boy?

I feel like I'm playing dress up when I dress like a woman. It feels like I'm a blank canvas and I'm not any gender. But, I am two. My body is biologically female with select male features because of endocrine issues. Biologically I am a woman. Gender wise, I'm null. Is that a sign of gender identity disorder? That all my life I've never felt like a girl. Is the mystical third gender the name to the feeling I've felt my whole life?

Where do these questions come from...why do I feel this now? I had plans, dreams, aspirations. This whirlwind of exploring my identity has gone farther than choosing if I want to be a poet, publisher, or a professor...the things that defined who I am! I'm not presently a poet, publisher, designer or whatever other career I chose to explore..and now I don't know if all my life I've felt like a neutral gender playing dress up!

Isn't just being okay with being a girl good enough for me? It should be. I wanted it to be. But as I've gone around the odd jobs, freelance gigs, and several magazines later...I've come to realize I never knew the basics about myself.

My state of mind is playing tricks on me. It should be easy. I should be able to look into the mirror and recognize the person, the gender, I want to be. I can easily feel comfortable when the mirror reflects who I know I am. Or who I want to be.

Or should I let it be? Keep this feeling hidden longer. Ignoring the crucial information to joining my identity visually and mentally. How does knowing yourself really affect the entirety of your life? I don't know. I don't know how to find out. I just know, that it's a question I need to solve.

2 comments:

  1. "How does knowing yourself really affect the entirety of your life?" I am sure it does, and in a big way. But how do you find the answer, the key to knowing yourself, is quite beyond me. I hope you find it soon. In the meanwhile,.... I wish I knew what to say.

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    Replies
    1. It's okay to admit you don't know what to say, because I also don't know the answer either. That's just how it works sometimes.

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