Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Being tired of being tired because I make mistakes.

We all make mistakes. We all get hurt. But, if there's something I should have learned in therapy is that life is not defined by our mistakes, but by how we deal with my mistakes.

Well I can't always deal. Never passed that test, and the rest is just a mess of repetitive poetry and life consuming vices. The proof is in my blood. My father once told me he drank because he didn't want to feel, that it made him deal. I'm not quite the same, but I use things to detract from the real issue: me.

Or my feelings. Or my dreams. Or everything that has to do with me. Hey, but that is tiring. And that's why I'm illustrating this post in words. Because, all of the mistakes I've made...all of the things I said yes to when I should have said no..that was all part of it.

Part of becoming who I am, owning up to the person that I've always was but never allowed myself to be. And so, who am I?

The long story is that I'm just a 27 year old who forgot all about her dreams of taking her poetry to the next level and becoming a writing person. I work at a daycare because I'm never going to be able to have kids, and they fill a void I never knew I had. And I was totally sober when I asked 2 people for their digits and got nothing in return. God, rejection must deserve a drink...

What to do now? No more stressing about failed risks to start.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Being Rejected (or being at home)

Scenery at the beginning of my list.
Before church today I made a list of things I really disliked about myself. They are, in no particular order of importance:
  • fear of failure
  • not being able to live with myself
  • not being able to value things
  • feeling like I'm not good enough
  • feeling like I'm too good
And the kicker, which I drew into its own little box: Not feeling worthy enough to do God's work. I find it taxing that I have these feelings as I'm practically going to be 30 soon. I chide myself in being so young emotionally, stuff like that. But even if having residue feelings like these is a growing up process...they always come to the surface when I walk into my church. Because I royally screwed up.

I'm not really open enough to go into great depths about it. And sometimes it feels like I magnify the error to an extreme. Regardless, it was a decision that has put my life into perspective. It's like that infamous crossroad. It's the catalyst that has left me so confused about my position there. Personally, and sometimes professionally, I feel rejected. All of the things I dislike about myself rampage through me when I walk into those doors. And it feels like I'm the poisoned leaf.

But, it's not like that at all. One of my younger sisters sat me down and had the "people love you at your church talk," with me. Hey, I like them too. It's why I'm drawn to the place. I like the people!

I'm very fortunate to have met some wonderful people. Very fortunate to hear the wisdom from our pastor at both bible study AND worship. So have I been sent? Like today's reading in Mark 6: I too sent to that particular church with those particular people.

Whatever it is that I think did, or whoever I think I offended...that's all "an earthly thing." That's just an addition to my list of qualities I dislike about myself. The important part, the part I haven't been able to see is that I am on a journey. I'm home at my church. I have a family in my church. I must not be completely rejected, because I'm still able to find my way there.