Sunday, April 26, 2015

the beginning of hell (part one)

See, the actual beginning is so far away and complex that I could never put it into words. But this new beginning, the most recent episode began around January. No surprise, the 'new year, new me' attitude creeped over my being. Of course, nothing really positive came out of it. Just binging, half a large pizza type. Multiple times a week. Including, but not limited to a good dose of everything in sight.

That's how the obsession began spiraling out of control...350 calories in one slice of pizza times 5 slices times guilt times 8 miles walked times 15 years of dieting times a slow churn of multiple medications...all calculated into the current time, also known as hell.

What's the point, there is a point. I am open about what I eat, for the most part. I've posted workout logs, I've posted progress pics...all this isn't new. I'm building suspense on another blog post about food and fitness. Yes, it's the familiar path. I would never have written about this until I discovered a couple of quotes. The first quote being, "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." by Anais Nin. The second quote, a little more literary by Ernest Hemingway: "There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." I just need to write this down. Perhaps gain perspective over the situation, or fall deeper into the hole.

It started in early February. After years of dieting I had finally found the diet to end all diets! I was happy, scared, totally infatuated with the idea. It was simple, all could be solved in two words: don't eat. You can't burn the calories from a Snicker's bar as easily as you ate it, so don't eat it. You cannot undo the hangover the next day as easily as you drank the margaritas. You can't replace the money as easily as if you were to go out with friends for dinner. In theory, it's bullet proof. Don't eat snacks, don't eat sodas. I should have stopped there, but my thirst for knowledge led me deeper.

Led me to, Thinspo by Amy Ellis. Thinspo, follows the descent of an anorexic teenager into inpatient treatment through a blog style narrative. Like a child, I read each new page with amazement as day after day the narrator was steadfast in her 'diet'. 200 calories per day, 100, 0...a binge..it all amazed me. The ending chapter reeled me in.

"Maybe if I hadn’t fought so hard I wouldn’t have to go. But I’m still fighting. They can’t stop me. They can’t fix me. I am stronger than that. I’m going to be so perfect. I’m going to be so perfect it’s going to kill them. I’ll be so perfect it’ll kill me. I’ll be a martyr. I’ll be a goddess. I’ll be a thin, perfect goddess.

There are some things that cannot be fixed.

I am one of them.

This is my choice.

I don’t have to get better. They can send me away. They can force me to eat. They can make me gain it all back. They can make me talk about my “feelings” and how I feel about food and what drives me to purge and binge and starve and rinse and repeat. They can watch me in the bathroom and supervise me when I eat.

But they can’t fix me.

Because I'm not broken (emphasis by me)."

If you can imagine a soft voice echoing in the darkness: I'm broken. Over and over until your eyes closed and the next day you found yourself desperate for more knowledge on this perfect diet...then maybe you can understand how deep this gets.

How much deeper are pro anorexia literature? Is it not the same as Vogue or haute couture, idolizing a particular behavior? It's all at the gate of a hell consumed by obsessive dieting, body manipulation, and extreme control issues. The beginning of the end perhaps? Of course, there is more.


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Breathe. Don't Stop.

This is a blog hop! =wink=

Hello again. It's been awhile since I've blogged. Since I've written more than a couple of lines. But now that it's April again..now that it's National Poetry Month...it's time to write!

So what’s new? No more Sopphey Says...maybe an odd playlist here and there. Poems! I love poetry. More yarn work, more commentary on the daily (rather dull?) occurings in my life. Oh, and blog hops.

It’s the 3rd anniversary of the Wordsmith Studio and we’re doing many fun things, like scavenger hunts and Twitter chats. The first blog hop prompt is an interview on the theme “Writers Homecoming,” so here goes!

Q. Are you a WSSer (a member of Wordsmith)? If so, sound off about how long you’ve been a member, your favorite way to participate, or anything you’ve missed if you’ve been away. We’re not your mother/father… there will be no guilt about how long since your last call.

A. Founding member! I’ve had so much fun since the beginning. I even got to host a #read1watch1 challenge. Hope to get involved more.

Q. What medium do you work in? For our writing folks, are you currently working on fiction, poetry or nonfiction, or a combination? Anyone YA or mystery or thriller or…?

A. Writing and yarn! Not at the same time though. Usually I stick to writing poetry with the occasional prose. Yarn, oh my gosh--I’m venturing into the land of blankets!

Q. What’s the name of your current project (ok multitaskers, give us your main one)?

A. Straight to the Heart. A new poetry book, this will be my fourth.

'Golden Taxi' excerpt from Straight to the Heart

Q. What is your favorite detail, sentence or other bit you’ve written lately?

A. I want to be as fluid as my words.

Q. Any obstacles or I-hate-this-chapter moments?

A. Hands down, Straight to the Heart, has been the toughest book to gather. The poems are all of equal nature, being topics that involve more soul-searching. More pain dwelling. It’s been really tough to be satisfied with the different themes that are coming together to make a cohesive book. But it’s coming together.

Q. What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned lately from your writing?

A. I just have to let it be. My writing is so sincere to what I believe and feel, I can’t deny that.

Q. In what ways do you hope to grow in the next 6 months/year?

A. I want to learn how to fly. Yeah, fly, fly, fly--like in the song “Sissy that Walk,” by Ru Paul. I’m older now, it’s time to embrace me.

Q. In what ways do writing friends and communities help you do that?

A. Writers are the most wonderful people. Some are so creative and do not hesitate to follow the rabbit hole into literary creations. They inspire me and keep me grounded

Q. What else should we have asked you, or what would you ask other writers?

A. Writers, do you think iambic pentameter is dead? Or do you use it? You can use it in prose, right?

Interviews always leave me so breathless! Start of a new blog, new book coming soon. Lots to do, but I can’t stop and you can’t either. What are you working on this week?